A good friend of mine recently expressed concern over the fact that her 2 year old daughter doesn't seem to care when she pushes/hits/hurts someone. She explained how she makes her apologize after explaining that it's not nice to hurt someone but worries that it doesn't seem to phase her! She looks the other way or laughs and then runs off.
My husband (Joe) and I were both standing there when as she shared her feelings about this. After explaining that she wasn't sure what to do, she asked "How do you teach your child compassion?" The question caught me off gaurd so I looked puzzled and said "hmmm...not sure other than hoping that they learn it by watching you." This seemed like a strange response and didn't make much sense because this friend of mine would feel guilty for killing a fly! She is SO sweet and definitely doesn't have a problem showing compassion! I then looked up at Joe and said "Babe...how do you teach compassion?" He kind of blew off the question and shrugged as if he wasn't really sure either.
When we left my friends house, Joe said "I didn't want to cross the line or say anything offensive because I don't know how your friend is around kids all the time, but you teach compassion by making a BIG deal to point out what a child has done and how they have hurt someone or helped someone! You make a STRONG point by making them try to make things better for the child they have hurt! YOU, as the parent, make a BIG deal when you see someone sad or hurt by going over and offering a helping hand! They see these things and their own compassion will kick in!" It made perfect sense to me! I think this seems to come naturally to some kids, with others it can probably take a little more effort!
Since this question has been asked and is fresh in my mind, I am paying closer attention to how we show our children compassion and how we are teaching our kids compassion! Just last Saturday, while at the neighborhood pool, my heart beamed with pride as I watched my 2 year old daughter display compassion for another little girl!
Ansley was in sitting on the pool steps while another mom gathered up her 3 small children along with all of their towels and swim toys! I noticed Ansley holding a little airplane water toy and knew it wasn't hers. Before I could say anything Joe noticed it and said "Ansley can you give the airplane back to Cara? That's her toy! Tell her Thank You for sharing with you!" So this sweet little girl who was probably about 2 or 3 meets Ansley half way with her big beach towel wrapped around her. Ansley gives her the toy back and says "Thank You Cara! Bye bye!" As Cara turns around she steps on part of her towel, trips and falls! Ansley starts to run over to her but freezes when she see's Joe quickly help Cara get back up and ask her if she's ok, then helps wrap her towel back around her. As she starts to walk away, Ansley catches up to her, puts her hand on her shoulder, meets her at eye level and says "You ok Cara!" and gives her a big hug! She then pats her on the back and says "It's ok!" and then she stands there and watches Cara walk over to her mom, as if to make sure she got there ok w/out falling again! Cara just kind of looked at Ansley like she didn't know how to react. It was SO sweet! Ansley had just met this little girl 20 minutes before this happened! Joe and I made it a point to go over to Ansley and praise her for her compassion towards Cara! AJ and Aleigh praised her as well! Ansley just grinned from ear to ear! It warmed our hearts to see how good Ansley felt about showing such compassion!
Keep in mind, Ansley has an older brother and sister (unlike my friends daughter who is the first born), so she has other examples to watch. They show her lots of compassion...especially when she gets in trouble! It's not easy telling the older two not to hug and comfort Ansley when she is in trouble. Ansley knows how to work the room when she's upset after getting into trouble! She will literally cry and walk up to everyone in the room! It doesn't ALWAYS work, but too often it does when her big brother or sister are around! What I didn't realize before is, this is just another way Ansley is learning compassion! It seems to go both ways. When AJ or Aleigh are crying after getting in trouble Ansley will go up to them, rub their back and say "Is Ok!" and she will give them hugs and kisses and stay there until they calm down! Infact, today Aleigh was counting her money on the couch and AJ tried to snatch up her money. He was only trying to push her buttons, but it made me mad because he wasn't being a very good example for Ansley! I calmly told him to give it back and he kind of laughed. When he didn't do what I asked, I yelled at him to give it back! He got mad that I yelled at him and let out a frustrated sound! Ansley puts her arm around AJ's neck and says "Is ok AJ! I give you a hunded dollus!" We all burst out in laughter!!!
I am sure my friends daughter will have no problem showing compassion towards others after she continues to watch her mommy and daddy! Everyone learns at a different pace and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I think it's great to see your child learn valuable lessons at an early age, but just because they haven't picked up on certain things when you want them to, doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong! Lead by example and they will pick up on ALL things (good and bad)...eventually! ;) Kids sure know how to keep us on our toes! LOL!
THIS is why you try. As a Mother, we sure sacrifice a lot, like speed showers at 1:00 in the afternoon and unshaved legs for more than a week because your showers are so fast. You sacrifice hot meals, sleep and sometimes hold your potty twice as long as your kids, especially when you are out in public and can't leave them long enough to pee. It's hard being a Mom, but when you see you child exhibit character and kindness, you know that what your doing is worth it. Love your blog Stephanie!
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