Why Do I Even Try....

I find myself asking this question when I am BEYOND frustrated...which is quite often when you have 4 kids to juggle! This is often why I don't start any projects, or anything at all for that matter that will keep my mind pre-occupied by anything other than my children! This has to be one of the MOST challenging things for me as a mom! Searching for time to do things that you are dying to get done! I have an amazing husband who does everything he can to help me! He does the majority of the laundry and the dishes which are constant, never ending jobs within themselves! He also does the yard work, scrubs the bathrooms, takes care of and entertains the kids, etc! Problem is...he works! LOL! Such a bummer that my help has to work his butt off to support us! ;) I appreciate him so much to work as hard as he does by, literally, shaping children's lives with what he does for a living! I am very proud of him! I try to give him breaks and encourage him to have his poker nights with the guys. He, as well, tries to give me as much of a break as possible...when he can! Since that opportunity doesn't present itself very often for me, I do my best to do what I can WHEN I can!

Today was just another one of those reminders! A reminder that I get, at least, 3 times a week! My older 2 kids have had friends over all week long, which only means my 2 year old is even more demanding for entertainment from me! This morning seemed to start off great! Kids slept in until about 10 am and no friends were coming over! This meant we might get an opportunity to go get some errands done and shop for Fathers Day! I also thought I might try to make AJ's cookie cake for his birthday party tomorrow!

After feeding the kids breakfast, bathing my 2 year old (while the baby fussed in his bed...hoping he would go to sleep but no such luck), helping everyone w/ their needs and demands, I FINALLY was able to get in the shower by about 1:00! By the time I was ready...which never means I get a solid block of time to get ready because it happens in stages when you have constant distractions....it was almost time to get ready to leave for karate classes! We all needed lunch! So I feed the kids lunch, then spoon feed the baby, then grab a quick bite for myself. Just as I realize I have a few last minute things to do, my husband calls and asks me to bring him his bag. After an immediate distraction from my 2 yr old, I forget what it was he needed me to do! As soon as I remember, phone rings again. This time he is asking me to make him something to eat...10 minutes before we need to start loading up the van to go to karate! I tell him we don't have anything in the house that I can fix real quick so I will have to stop and pick something up for him! Well after the 20 minutes it takes to load up the kids and all of the stuff they need, we are finally pulling out of the driveway! I look down and realize my gas light is on! I don't have 2 minutes to spare, much less the 10 that it will take to put gas in my car!

So we get to karate class just in time! After I drop the older 2 off for class...because our 2 year old doesn't allow me to sit and watch (she is a very loud child and extremely energetic...to say the least)...I head to my parents house to pick something up! My dad had picked up a wireless card for the computer he handed down to AJ (my 9 yr old). We told AJ that he had to pay for the wireless card if he wanted Internet on his computer (which he isn't allowed to have in his room - it's in the dining room). So I took my dad AJ's money, got the card, tried to have a conversation w/ my parents while dealing with Ansley (my wild 2 yr old) who kept feeding toys to the dogs, wiped chocolate all over her clothes, and had a very messy diaper! On my way back to the karate center to pick up the kids I started thinking how nice it was going to be to have my husband home early tonight when he called to "remind" me that he had a special boot camp karate class to instruct tonight! There goes that little piece of relief!

Once I pick up the kids, we discussed where we should go to get fathers day gifts! We settled on Target. I often make Target or Wal Mart my place of choice when it comes to shopping because they have carts where I can keep more than one kid confined and they usually have the majority of what I need! Target has the $1.50 popcorn combo (popcorn and a soda). This is a major distraction for Ansley (my 2 yr old)! I can USUALLY get her to sit in the back of the cart w/ her popcorn and put Austin in the front! She fought me on this today, but I made her stay there and she eventually got over it! She is VERY loud, but I have become somewhat numb to it while in public! I just have to let her pitch her fit and ignore the looks I get! We did our best to get through Target as quickly as possible! The trip itself wasn't too bad, even though Ansley kept trying to climb out of the cart and the baby was somewhat fussy...but believe me, that's a good trip to the store! ;)

So when we left it was 7pm...haven't fed the kids dinner yet! Have nothing quick to fix for dinner at home and home was still another 20 minute drive! So we grab chicken sandwiches at chickfila! Baby cries all the way home (off and on), but is happy as a clam as soon as we get home and I pick him up! AJ is anxious to get the Internet hooked up to his computer. I figured this would be a quick install so ...here I go...trying to start a project with all 4 kids practically on top of me! Ansley hardly let 30 seconds go by w/out sitting in my lap! For a solid 45 minutes I tried to get the Internet to connect! I am getting more and more frustrated, the kids are getting more and more frustrated, and finally I say "Forget it!!!" I grab the baby, warm up some food for him, and try to feed him and keep him from crying due to being both hungry and over-tired! Poor baby! While feeding him, Ansley is pulling on my arm, hanging on my leg, and trying to climb in my lap while DEMANDING my undivided attention! Thank goodness for Aleigh and AJ who help me to distract her and get her pajamas on. After getting Austin cleaned up and put in his pajamas, he is more than ready for bed, but wants to nurse. So I try to nurse him while the other 3 are wrestling on the floor and being way too loud! I tell them I am going upstairs to nurse Austin in peace!

I sat in the rocking chair in my room and enjoyed the temporary silence. As I sat there I was FULL of anxiety and frustration! As I looked around my room I saw piles of stuff that was waiting to be organized, an un-made bed, both clean and dirty clothes everywhere, toys and sippy cups that have been dragged in and left on my floor, and baskets full of ribbon and hair bow tools! The ribbon unraveled and hanging out of the baskets, the tools scattered all over my floor (thanks to my little Ansley ;)), and my jewelry everywhere (Ansley's favorite thing to get into)! I can't help but want to sit there and cry because I HONESTLY don't know when I am going to get a chance to sit down and organize things! I start to feel hopeless, like no matter what I do or try to do I just can't seem to escape chaos!

So the baby is fast asleep and I lay him down in his bed. When I get back downstairs the kids are screaming and acting crazy! I know that I have to get, at least, Ansley to bed or I am going to pull my hair out! I tell her that it's time to get ready for bed and she FREAKS OUT! It was beyond ridiculous, so as I tell her that she is showing me that she is ready to go to bed now, I pick her up and carry her to bed! She is screaming as if I were beating her! This, of course, wakes up the baby who I had finally put to bed! I kiss Ansley put her in bed and shut the door. When I get back downstairs all I want to do is sit down...alone...and listen to silence! Instead I have a 6 year old and a 9 year old who literally want to sit on me in the living room chair! I try to gently explain to them that I have had a hard night and need for them to give me a little space and let me get some work done on the computer (so I can blog). This hurts my sons feelings! He goes over to the couch and looks as though he is going to cry! Aleigh sits with him and they start watching tv. So I sit here feeling frustrated, and incredibly guilty! Both babies are upstairs crying in their beds, and the older two sit on the couch feeling rejected by me!

I feel terrible! I wonder why I even try to do anything other than take care of and entertain my kids! How do women do this?! I mean seriously? How do you be both an attentive parent and good housekeeper? I, personally, don't think you can be both! My Aunt gave me some advice while I was pregnant with my first. She said "Don't try to shovel the walk while the snow is still falling! Remember that stuff is just STUFF! Play with your kids, love them, hold them and cherish the time you have with them because they grow up way too fast!" I think about this all the time! This is what helps me get through the days when my house is a complete disaster and nothing seems to be in order...but my kids are happy! However, on nights like tonight I feel just awful because I know they are all wanting my constant attention and I am just SPENT! I can't get past my frustration and exhaustion enough to entertain them! It is 10 pm so I could just say that their lucky I don't put them to bed like I did the younger two!

SO...I end another day feeling like I haven't accomplished much! Didn't make it to the gym this morning, didn't eat well, forgot my husbands bag, didn't get a chance to pick up food for him, and for cryin out loud, I couldn't even get the internet to work on AJ's computer! Unfortunately, these days seem to be occurring all too often lately! :( Most days I can say that at least my kids are happy...but don't really feel like I can say that today because we didn't really spend any quality time together today! :( May tomorrow be a better day! Maybe tomorrow I'll go BUY a cookie cake!